i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
she scratched her sororities letters into my back when she was done. i think i was part of some sick game. sick twisted sexy game
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
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