ya dads aren't the best wingmen
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
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