I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
