bathroom sex at kohls isnt as trashy as it seems
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
dude. I can hear the air.
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
Randomize
