I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
Well, at some point in her life every girl has to decide how much weird she's willing to tolerate for hot tall banker cock
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
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