I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
