my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
Randomize
