This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
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