Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
dont worry your back hair reminds me of angel wings
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
Wierdest expirience of my life this girl literally just knocked on my door at 140am to blow me in the shower. Idk what im doing but im doing it right
I've already started drinking so the earlier you get out of class the more coherent I'll probably be.
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
