i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
i jsut feel off the bus, but its ok the driver let me back on. a woman hid her baby from me..
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
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