How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
Randomize