Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
Randomize
