Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
