When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
Randomize
