If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
Btw I puked in your glovebox
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