I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
Instead of.being an intelligent and mature adult and dealing with my feelings I chose to get hammered and fuck flounder
Eh it happens
Randomize
