K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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