our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
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