This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
just found out that she named her cat after me.
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
I kinda wanna drive through the Gator bar parking lot and seeing if my panties are on they ground, they should be right next to my pride...
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
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