Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
Just saw 30+ dicks. Explain later.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
ill be fine wheb you get back. I'm gunna do real world things like washing the dishes. having to perform serious tasks brings you down.
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
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