Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
I either have a problem or a really good solution... I just ordered my homecoming dress off of a website that sells forplay outfits.
Randomize
