Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
i love accidental penises.
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
Randomize
