dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
Randomize
