the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
