I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
Randomize
