I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
Randomize
