I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
Randomize
