Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
is it wrong to smoke out middle schoolers?
yes...dear jesus what did you do?
bwahaha. ask your little brother in about 20 minutes. im dropping him off.
I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Randomize
