I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Randomize
