Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
Randomize
