Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize
