My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
is it bad that the only reason i knew what antidote meant in class today, was from years of playing pokemon?
I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
