if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
Whoa Z and x make the same sound
She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
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