So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
Randomize
