Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
the guy next to me needed a pen, so I let him take one from my book bag. my panties are now being passed around the class...thank you for telling me you hid them in my bookbag.
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
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