You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
Randomize