Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
Randomize
