I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
Randomize
