That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
Randomize
