I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
Would it be totally wrong, that in honor of princess leias death, I role played as her??
just walked passed a black light...apparently he DID cum.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
Randomize
