I just woke up in the coolest sweatsuit i have ever seen..it has cory's name on the tag...do we know a cory?
grad school is all the worst parts of undergrad, without the binge drinking and bad decisions to make up for it
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
Just a smidgen more estrogen and shed be golden
She's got a legit dose of dude going on
No kidding. All she needs is a cheek full of chewing tobacco and I'd have fucked John wayne.
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
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