i only hope i can top last weeks sext session
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
It just gets louder and louder too...dear god. Her poor vagina.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
Randomize
