so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
he had a blacklight sublime poster, of course i had to do him.
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
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