so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
I am the oldest one here and I STILL feel like I need an adult. help.
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
Randomize
