ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
I think my vagina is phsycic. All day it tingled and then BAM Channing Tatums look alike fucks me like ive never been fucked in my life.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
Randomize
