don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
Yeah its great. Whenever we want a new bowl we hand it to Trevor and he clears it in one hit. Definitely one of the benefits to having a swimmer in your circle.
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
