I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
Dignity is for republicans.
Wtf. I just got invited to a threeway bj session in the bathroom at boiler. Lmao
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
Randomize
