I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize