Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
i can't believe i had my finger in that
Ketchup is God's man juice
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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