I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
his profile picture is him throwing up "#1" hands after his lax championship next to his coach that i fucked....embarrasing for him, yet ironically beautiful for me.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
Randomize
