Umm I'm too high to move.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
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