is your mom at the bar?
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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