I think I died a long time ago.
My place. Tomorrow Night. Bring your liver, and something for it to do.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
Randomize
