not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
We did it to 80's cardio music. Talk about a workout.
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
I lost my cyber virginity to a guy I barely knew in high school while a Togepi Plushie watched.
Randomize
