It doesn't matter if they shave you or not, you're still susceptible to the staph infection.
everyone is single if you try hard enough
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
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