my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
Randomize
