It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
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