Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize