He's totally hot and awesome. And he's a Democrat
Good, so he won't mind when you kill the baby.
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
Randomize
