New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
They are going to name an STD after you.
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
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