There's a girl in here wearing a kaballah bracelet and a miley Cyrus tshirt. consider her judged.
I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
I guess I'll just chalk it up as a learning experience and a lot of great sex.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
So. Much. Porn.
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