I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Randomize
